this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
