at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
