he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
