I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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