Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
