i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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