Your mouth is God's brothel.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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