The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
