I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
