dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
