I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
