She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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