hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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