I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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