Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
