i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My vagina is officially offended.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
