a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
