I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
