wanna go halves on a baby?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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