gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
