Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
