Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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