Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
handjob tips. give me some.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
