capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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