My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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