I accidentally had phone sex last night
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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