I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
