I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
