Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its not stalking. its research.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
