so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
