Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
