I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
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Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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