I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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