Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
