3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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