We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
