it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How does one acquire holy water?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
