dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
