He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
