Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
