after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
