barbara walters just said penis...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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