im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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