mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My cat gives me a boner
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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