I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
