At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
