she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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