Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
