I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
