I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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