my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
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You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office