last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
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I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird