the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
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My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
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The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick