The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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