On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
