Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
