when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
